she said she loved him and meant it. she had never loved anyone as deeply or as eternally as him. with every fiber of her being – she loved.
she saw his complexities and loved him regardless. built homes so that he would know love, feel love and have a sense of home.
she ate her pride, and held herself as she was washed in the shame of his selfish act. the shame of his dishonesty, and her not being honest with herself. his unfaithfulness and disloyalty, her allowing him to steal her joy tiny piece, by tiny piece with his words.
they started their journey 10 years ago. got in a car that she thought would serve them for a lifetime. they kept their car clean with independent interests and passions they both shared. they fueled their car with trips to foreign lands and new experiences. they were free to follow their hearts, and they stayed in their car out of want and not need. they even had a wild idea to repaint their car and give it an entirely new way to live, but what they neglected was maintenance. tires got low, oil needed changing, brakes squeaked until they no longer worked. maintenance may have saved their car, or prolonged the inevitable- it’s impossible to know now. their car has been totaled. it feels beyond repair, and now there is a new car.
- she tries to make order in chaos
- she is a peacemaker
- she is a nurturer
- she puts others first
- she is drawn to the complex
- she is not a fixer, but a comforter
- she is wise, smart and sometimes feels beautiful
- she doesn’t listen close enough to her own heart
- she takes time to consider everything, every angle, every outcome
- when she really connects it’s deeply, and she doesn’t connect to many
- she protects herself, and for the right one leaves herself wide open
- she holds things in so tightly that her body physically reacts to wake her up
she is awake, alive, and in pain, no – agony. she feels, therefore she knows she is still here.
she is strong. she is searching for her self, for her knowing. she cuts her fingers to the bone while holding the shattered pieces of her heart in place, praying for it to heal.
she sees him now, more clearly than ever. his golden veil is lifting, and his true self is coming into view. she hears others describe him as if they are speaking directly to her in crowded restaurants. he’s most likely been here, this clear for her to see the whole time, but she was either blinded, or he was hiding in his own shadow afraid of seeing himself, or both.
a love this strong is hard to turn off, even when you try with all your might. this love wishes him well on his journey, and hopes he gets what he needs – without her.
it is 3:20 AM. this was my day 10.