letting go

I’m 153 days into my future with out him. so many transformations have happened and continue to happen. my life has never had so many options, questions, curiosities and possibilities. it’s exciting and paralyzing at the same time.

the farm went on the market late on the friday before easter, I had three showings scheduled by monday and an offer from the first showing by wednesday which canceled those two other showings. the farm is sold. i’m receiving congratulations from everyone who finds out. i accept with a smile and a tear because this is the definition of bittersweet. i am relieved of the pressure, of the memory, and of the financial overhead but so sad that this is the end of this chapter. i will take with me all that i’ve learned about growing vegetables and flowers in central texas, about animal care, about remodeling and designing a home. so many things that i will always have with me, will be able to replicate when i feel ready to do it in a way that works for me.

the process from “decide to sell” to now has been much harder than i thought it would be. the sorting, the dumping, multiple trips to goodwill, posting things for local purchase, coordination for pick up and haggling on price has taken it toll. it’s so hard and unfair, and it’s not over. touching everything i own and making decision after decision on what stays, goes, or gets sold is exhausting. not knowing where i’m moving, or how much to take or sell throws another factor into trying to make decisions. looking at the things i want to keep and really deciding if they “bring me joy” was even harder. i’ve learned that i don’t do well in chaos. i don’t like things out of order, and even in the process if things aren’t being done in an order that i can understand and follow it obstructs my ability to make the next decision. i’ve learned that i need efficiency – to not touch and move the same thing multiple times if possible. if it’s a keep, wrap it up, put it in a box and move it to the keep section. stacking it, then moving it to another spot, and then packing it feels very inefficient and again, i slow down with being able to flow through the process. i’m learning a lot and it’s bumpy and i’m edgy.

my place of truth may cost me friendships, because my feedback has been honest and has only come from a place of love. i recognize that the emotional space that i’m in is unique, it won’t last forever, but it does require a lot of understanding from myself and people who choose to engage with me right now.

i am so grateful to everyone who has volunteered time, bought tickets to fly in to help, drove hours to be here, and just offered me moral support and sent loving energy my way. letting go of things, places, people teaches you a whole lot about yourself and opens doors you never thought possible.

the next chapter is now, and while i’m tired and worn out mentally, i’m energized by just knowing something amazing is coming.

xo

n.

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