from holes to whole

grief is a process. there are stages, and I know we are all familiar with them.  accountability doesn’t really show up in the grief searches I’ve done, but I feel like it’s real.

I was 100% a part of the failed relationship as 1 of 2 people. Therefore I have some accountability in it’s death. The way things ended would have never been the way I would have chosen to handle things – I’m sure there were things I did or didn’t do that contributed to our car crashing and blowing up.  Earlier I mentioned maintenance – I didn’t ask for, didn’t recognize, and didn’t think we were so far off that we needed it.  But loving to grow things I know that nothing lives without care and attention – and I can only speak for myself when I say there was obviously not enough of either.  I can hold myself accountable for my part in that.

The other piece of this that I’ve spent some days really thinking about is why I was here in the first place.  What was it that kept me here, even when I wasn’t feeling fully seen, heard, respected, supported or satisfied.  I’ve been able to come to the conclusion that there were/are holes in me that he filled. Holes that kept me from coming into the relationship in the beginning as a whole person able to offer myself completely.  Holes that he naturally filled, and made me feel whole with him.

I have work to do. Childhood holes to fill for myself, so that I don’t find myself dependent on another in this same way.

I am accountable for my part, but I will never forget this anguish. More importantly, I am accountable to myself, and will do the work necessary to fill my own holes, give myself my own level of care and attention, and find a way to become whole for no one else but myself.

it’s a process…..

day 28