looking back over the last sixty seven days, my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual states have all had their own earthquakes going on. i know looking back at this in one year, three years, or five to ten years, 67 days is going to feel like a drop in the bucket for the journey i am on, but in n. fashion, i thought i’d record where i am anyway.
i’d say i’m doing ok. ok is better than poorly, but not as good as great. i think it sums up sixty seven days nicely. my ok days are sprinkled with good ones, and a few bad ones, but for the most part i am finding my balance and feeling less and less wobbly.
emotionally – over the last 67 days emotions have been the lowest of my life. the pendulum swings were wild in the early days. there were times i felt like i was watching myself from outside myself, acting and saying things out of sheer fear, and i wanted to snatch me up and say “girl, get it together, we don’t bargain!” but now i think that it was just part of the process. the swings in the same 3 minutes from i love you to i hate you, or hug me and don’t come near me were alarming. it’s a crazy place to be. crazy as in c r a z y. i’m feeling calmer now, still scared of a lot of things, still really angry, but a tiny bit more settled. remaking parts of the house to remove any trace or memory of him has helped a lot.
physically – i’ve lost 20 pounds. people want to congratulate this, but it feels gross. this is no way to lose weight. and having people notice is a reminder of the trauma i’ve been through – and people do notice. i am not very interested in food, but when i do eat it’s vegetarian and sometimes vegan. every once in a while i’ll have some seafood, but having a kitchen with no meat is amazing!! i feel more focused, a lot lighter (not just from the weight loss), and happy that my change in diet is having a positive impact on the world. [important side-note: watch Cowspiracy on Netflix — it’s 👀 opening!]
mentally – my mind feels like it doesn’t rest. there are so many things to think about. to figure out. to undo, redo, plan for. and then there is the financial impact of all of this. that keeps me from sleeping, throws me into panic, and sometimes paralyzes me. it’s overwhelming the amount of “things” i’ve been left to be responsible for on my own. if this experience doesn’t make me officially a “boss b”, then i don’t know what will. establishing boundaries has been helpful for me mentally, and getting the opportunity to enforce them feels good. i am feeling all the feels mentally as well. i’ve been told that i’m a doer – that doing is the easy part in all of this, but taking time to stop and feel the feelings is actually more important than the doing. so i am being more mindful of that. writing helps. i consider this space my “private” writing, and i’ve started publicly writing on medium.com under the handle ‘theinfidelityproject’. that’s been good for getting out the more sensitive stuff.
spiritually is where i feel the strongest. it’s where i feel the most validated. all of my little reactions or weird feelings about things over the last 10 years have been confirmed as being real. because of that i’ve been shifted into a place of truth. walking through the world not holding back my truth. not sucking it in, and not speaking up. i was raised in a home with a lot of loud voices which made me quiet mine, and avoid saying what i wanted or needed. that no longer serves me in this life. it sucks that it’s taken this long, but i’m grateful for now being able to show up in every situation and say what i need to say when i need to say it – in the moment. i also can clearly see that where i am in my spiritual self awareness, and where he is, are on opposite ends of the spectrum. i feel so free. free to grow, to really find and act on my purpose, and explore the world in a way that makes sense to me. to commemorate that i got a tattoo! LIBRE, it is french for free/freedom.
God is making a way for me in so many ways and i am grateful and thankful every time a perfect situation lands in my path. state your intention, don’t overthink it, and let it go…. things come to you when you do this.
i’ve been mindful of staying in service to others through this as well. i am exercising. i’m pursuing the things that bring me joy, spending time with family and friends – please come for a visit if you’re in the area! it’s harder for me to leave right now for personal travel (animals, finances), but i am always up for overnight guests. i’m finding my happy – slowly. it doesn’t mean i don’t miss what was, i have moments where i do. it’s going to take a while, a long while i think to work the last 10 years out of the fibers that make me me. not all of it, but the deep emotional parts have to go.
i’m picking up my shattered pieces and slowly and carefully putting them back together. selectively putting back only the pieces i want, and creating space for new pieces to form in a stronger way.
sixty seven days – i’m still alive.
(btrayed.com has had over 45k impressions, over 545 visits and a solid 28 submissions. i wasn’t sure i’d even get one, so this too makes me happy. i’ve provided a space for people to share and release their sadness, pain, anger through writing.)
xo. n ❤️
he was that guy, the one who I loved so much. the one who said he wanted to grow old with me. the one who I felt myself with, who comforted me, and supported me when I needed it. he pushed me to take risks, and pulled me out into the world.
he is the one who connected us to people, it was his nature to be social and to know everyone in a bar by the time we were leaving. I could relax and allow him to be himself which took the pressure of small talk off of me.
we lived at the base of a mountain range, in the center of a city at the end of a historic cable car run, on acres of peaceful pasture land with grazing animals. he is the one I travelled the world with, he was the one, I thought.
I thought I was who he wanted. I thought I was what he wanted. I thought, because it was what he said. He also frequently said — people have the right to change their minds, I just didn’t think I’d be included in the category of “things” he would change his mind about.
he is the guy that over night decided that non-monogomy was what he wanted. he no longer wanted me. he no longer wanted the farm that hundreds of thousands of dollars were invested in for our retirement phase of life. he no longer wanted anything we were building together. he no longer wanted me.
it hurts like hell, but it is also freeing.
now I am the girl who gets to decide what she wants. how she wants it. where she wants to be in the world, and how she wants to live.
I dont forgive him, not yet. I do forgive myself for any feeling of blame. this was not my fault. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am generous, kind, graceful and full of love. I am healing. I am getting stronger, day by day and seeing this for the gift that it is.
he was the guy that crossed my path, spent some time, saw and did some amazing things with me, but he is no longer anything to me. he is just a guy.
just as i start to feel a tiny bit of strength returning, something from deep in the darkness grabs an ankle and pulls me under. my chest is tight, i can’t think, the waves of anger are back just as strong as they were in the beginning.
i didn’t sign up for this. for the rug to be pulled out from under me with no warning. there was no fighting or not getting along. no months of anger or resentment. nothing that said “he’s about to cheat on you and leave you overwhelmed with responsibility”.
chickens donkeys dogs a horse, 10 acres and a mortgage. a farm that we were building that we signed up to do together. why now do i have to give up these things because of his selfish choice?
self doubt comes in and says – “can you do this? can you hold it all together, or are you going to fail? are you really strong enough or should you just give up.”
none of this is fair, and my dad said to me repeatedly growing up that life isn’t fair – but I believe that if i work hard, treat people with respect and come from a place of love things should fair, people should be honest. people shouldn’t lie to you for 10 years and make every memory of your life with them a question. was he really happy on that vacation or was that fake, did he really like hanging out with me or was that just convenient? did he even love me?? was i a fool all along? what is love, will i be able to recognize it – i don’t know if i trust myself.
my hope is that in 45 more days the pain won’t be as intense, the waves will start slowing and my doubt will have decreased.
when i try to think of the worst thing one human can do to another – betrayal in any form makes the top of my list. I really don’t think there is anything more damaging to someone’s past, present and future. and the damage feels permanent. i will be forever changed because of this.
while i feel (for this moment only) like i am able to stand, talk to strangers without spilling my story (it was bad), and think about ME – I am sure that this repair phase will last for some time and as my therapist said “be full of smaller traumas”.
I am hopeful. I am letting go. I am forgiving myself for feeling any kind of blame. I have not made it as far as forgiving him. it’s on my list but pretty far down there.
I am also free. I am feeling the power of freedom stronger and stronger each day. free from worrying about his feelings, his needs, his complexities. I tried with everything I have within me to give him all of me. I am free of that too.
there will be no momentary dopamine hits of excitement for me – there will be true, fully realized happiness, truth of who I am and how I operate in the world, acknowledgment of my cracks, faults, insecurities, and so much work to see them and heal them. I will be happier than i’ve been in a while, more honest, more engaged and for sure more full of love for myself and some future right person.
the repair phase is hard, but empowering and invigorating. it will come with losses, and gains, but it’s mine to design exactly how I want.
love to me!!
“writing while sitting in the biggest japanese stone soaking tub ever & L O V I N G it!”
and it begins…
health insurance (he’s on mine)
car insurance (he’s on mine)
estate planning: wills/dnr/beneficiaries (change, change, change)
bank accounts (ugh)
credit cards (thank goodness there was only one to cancel him from)
I’m sure there is more. The twining of 2 lives over 10 years will take time to untangle but these are the things that come to mind immediately. Help me, my brain is cloudy – what am I missing???
grief is a process. there are stages, and I know we are all familiar with them. accountability doesn’t really show up in the grief searches I’ve done, but I feel like it’s real.
I was 100% a part of the failed relationship as 1 of 2 people. Therefore I have some accountability in it’s death. The way things ended would have never been the way I would have chosen to handle things – I’m sure there were things I did or didn’t do that contributed to our car crashing and blowing up. Earlier I mentioned maintenance – I didn’t ask for, didn’t recognize, and didn’t think we were so far off that we needed it. But loving to grow things I know that nothing lives without care and attention – and I can only speak for myself when I say there was obviously not enough of either. I can hold myself accountable for my part in that.
The other piece of this that I’ve spent some days really thinking about is why I was here in the first place. What was it that kept me here, even when I wasn’t feeling fully seen, heard, respected, supported or satisfied. I’ve been able to come to the conclusion that there were/are holes in me that he filled. Holes that kept me from coming into the relationship in the beginning as a whole person able to offer myself completely. Holes that he naturally filled, and made me feel whole with him.
I have work to do. Childhood holes to fill for myself, so that I don’t find myself dependent on another in this same way.
I am accountable for my part, but I will never forget this anguish. More importantly, I am accountable to myself, and will do the work necessary to fill my own holes, give myself my own level of care and attention, and find a way to become whole for no one else but myself.
it’s a process…..