doubt

just as i start to feel a tiny bit of strength returning, something from deep in the darkness grabs an ankle and pulls me under. my chest is tight, i can’t think, the waves of anger are back just as strong as they were in the beginning.

i didn’t sign up for this. for the rug to be pulled out from under me with no warning. there was no fighting or not getting along. no months of anger or resentment. nothing that said “he’s about to cheat on you and leave you overwhelmed with responsibility”.

chickens donkeys dogs a horse, 10 acres and a mortgage. a farm that we were building that we signed up to do together. why now do i have to give up these things because of his selfish choice?

self doubt comes in and says – “can you do this? can you hold it all together, or are you going to fail? are you really strong enough or should you just give up.”

none of this is fair, and my dad said to me repeatedly growing up that life isn’t fair – but I believe that if i work hard, treat people with respect and come from a place of love things should be fair, people should be honest. people shouldn’t lie to you for 10 years and make every memory of your life with them a question. was he really happy on that vacation or was that fake, did he really like hanging out with me or was that just convenient? did he even love me?? was i a fool all along? what is love, will i be able to recognize it – i don’t know if i trust myself.

my hope is that in 45 more days the pain won’t be as intense, the waves will start slowing and my doubt will have decreased.

when i try to think of the worst thing one human can do to another – betrayal in any form makes the top of my list. I really don’t think there is anything more damaging to someone’s past, present and future. and the damage feels permanent. i will be forever changed because of this.

day 46.

repair mode

day 40.

while i feel (for this moment only) like i am able to stand, talk to strangers without spilling my story (it was bad), and think about ME – I am sure that this repair phase will last for some time and as my therapist said “be full of smaller traumas”.

I am hopeful. I am letting go. I am forgiving myself for feeling any kind of blame. I have not made it as far as forgiving him. it’s on my list but pretty far down there.

I am also free. I am feeling the power of freedom stronger and stronger each day. free from worrying about his feelings, his needs, his complexities. I tried with everything I have within me to give him all of me. I am free of that too.

there will be no momentary dopamine hits of excitement for me – there will be true, fully realized happiness, truth of who I am and how I operate in the world, acknowledgment of my cracks, faults, insecurities, and so much work to see them and heal them. I will be happier than i’ve been in a while, more honest, more engaged and for sure more full of love for myself and some future right person.

the repair phase is hard, but empowering and invigorating. it will come with losses, and gains, but it’s mine to design exactly how I want.

love to me!!

“writing while sitting in the biggest japanese stone soaking tub ever & L O V I N G it!”

– n

decoupling

and it begins…

health insurance (he’s on mine)

car insurance (he’s on mine)

mortgage (mine)

estate planning: wills/dnr/beneficiaries (change, change, change)

bank accounts (ugh)

credit cards (thank goodness there was only one to cancel him from)

I’m sure there is more. The twining of 2 lives over 10 years will take time to untangle but these are the things that come to mind immediately. Help me, my brain is cloudy – what am I missing???

day 30.

from holes to whole

grief is a process. there are stages, and I know we are all familiar with them.  accountability doesn’t really show up in the grief searches I’ve done, but I feel like it’s real.

I was 100% a part of the failed relationship as 1 of 2 people. Therefore I have some accountability in it’s death. The way things ended would have never been the way I would have chosen to handle things – I’m sure there were things I did or didn’t do that contributed to our car crashing and blowing up.  Earlier I mentioned maintenance – I didn’t ask for, didn’t recognize, and didn’t think we were so far off that we needed it.  But loving to grow things I know that nothing lives without care and attention – and I can only speak for myself when I say there was obviously not enough of either.  I can hold myself accountable for my part in that.

The other piece of this that I’ve spent some days really thinking about is why I was here in the first place.  What was it that kept me here, even when I wasn’t feeling fully seen, heard, respected, supported or satisfied.  I’ve been able to come to the conclusion that there were/are holes in me that he filled. Holes that kept me from coming into the relationship in the beginning as a whole person able to offer myself completely.  Holes that he naturally filled, and made me feel whole with him.

I have work to do. Childhood holes to fill for myself, so that I don’t find myself dependent on another in this same way.

I am accountable for my part, but I will never forget this anguish. More importantly, I am accountable to myself, and will do the work necessary to fill my own holes, give myself my own level of care and attention, and find a way to become whole for no one else but myself.

it’s a process…..

day 28

btrayed

day 25.

trying to turn this pain into something of value. trying to establish a new normal.

I am making lemonade out of lemons (and listening to a lot of Beyonce).

I am certain that this healing process will continue for some time, but while in the midst of it I’ve been inspired to help others going through similar experiences.

The Infidelity Project was launched to build community around the survivors of adultery. Anonymous sharing online or by mail (to a private P.O. Box) allows us to process the wave of emotions that come with this life transition together.

follow our progress. share it with friends, family, strangers – help me grow this community. it is for anyone and everyone who has ever loved.

http://www.btrayed.com

happiest of new years to us all…..

n

an unexpected wave

she’s here. my mini-me. for a few days of love before the new year. she is my everything – always has been, but as we drove home from the airport – my stomach began to turn on itself, and the pain of the first week of ‘knowing’ flooded back in.

noooooo. this is not what I expected. how can it be that my own daughter is now a trigger for the pain of this situation. I was with her when this happened.  Focused, and caring for her as a mother does, when she, in her post surgical state had to care for me as I fell apart. I refuse to let this thing he did affect one of the most precious relationships I have.

couldn’t sleep. the pain was back with the same level of intensity as in the beginning. my body was shutting down again.  I sat crying in the living room before the sun rose, and she joined me crying herself at her own anxiety from being sucked into a situation that is not hers.

we will tread slowly, keep our communication open, and acknowledge what is now a transition for mother and daughter.

the ripples of destruction continue….

0600 hrs – day 23.

the storm

so what’s next?

I don’t even know what day it is, let alone what’s next, or what I want to do.

I am beyond devastated, I go in and out of disbelief and the normal things like eating are of no interest.

It’s Christmas. I have no desire to even acknowledge one of my favorite holidays. Will this be ruined forever too?

My anxiety is back – the pains in my chest are real and literally feel like my heart is broken inside my chest.

I’m thankful to have this time off work – but what a waste, I could be doing so much more!

I think the layers of what was set at my feet 3 weeks ago is making this so difficult to process. it wasn’t just cheating, there are multiple things that just slammed into my soul from no where. gut punched. breath taken away. and the reaction of anger still hasn’t really come – just shock, numbness and sadness. and it’s the worst when it’s quiet. it’s like the sadness is on volume 100 and i can’t turn it down or off.

time is the only thing I can hold on to. that time will ease some of this. i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand what and why we are here. the story seems to change just a little bit each time and i’m too tired to keep it straight.

time and space. i think thats all i want for a while.

ho hum.

n