from holes to whole

grief is a process. there are stages, and I know we are all familiar with them.  accountability doesn’t really show up in the grief searches I’ve done, but I feel like it’s real.

I was 100% a part of the failed relationship as 1 of 2 people. Therefore I have some accountability in it’s death. The way things ended would have never been the way I would have chosen to handle things – I’m sure there were things I did or didn’t do that contributed to our car crashing and blowing up.  Earlier I mentioned maintenance – I didn’t ask for, didn’t recognize, and didn’t think we were so far off that we needed it.  But loving to grow things I know that nothing lives without care and attention – and I can only speak for myself when I say there was obviously not enough of either.  I can hold myself accountable for my part in that.

The other piece of this that I’ve spent some days really thinking about is why I was here in the first place.  What was it that kept me here, even when I wasn’t feeling fully seen, heard, respected, supported or satisfied.  I’ve been able to come to the conclusion that there were/are holes in me that he filled. Holes that kept me from coming into the relationship in the beginning as a whole person able to offer myself completely.  Holes that he naturally filled, and made me feel whole with him.

I have work to do. Childhood holes to fill for myself, so that I don’t find myself dependent on another in this same way.

I am accountable for my part, but I will never forget this anguish. More importantly, I am accountable to myself, and will do the work necessary to fill my own holes, give myself my own level of care and attention, and find a way to become whole for no one else but myself.

it’s a process…..

day 28

btrayed

day 25.

trying to turn this pain into something of value. trying to establish a new normal.

I am making lemonade out of lemons (and listening to a lot of Beyonce).

I am certain that this healing process will continue for some time, but while in the midst of it I’ve been inspired to help others going through similar experiences.

The Infidelity Project was launched to build community around the survivors of adultery. Anonymous sharing online or by mail (to a private P.O. Box) allows us to process the wave of emotions that come with this life transition together.

follow our progress. share it with friends, family, strangers – help me grow this community. it is for anyone and everyone who has ever loved.

http://www.btrayed.com

happiest of new years to us all…..

n

an unexpected wave

she’s here. my mini-me. for a few days of love before the new year. she is my everything – always has been, but as we drove home from the airport – my stomach began to turn on itself, and the pain of the first week of ‘knowing’ flooded back in.

noooooo. this is not what I expected. how can it be that my own daughter is now a trigger for the pain of this situation. I was with her when this happened.  Focused, and caring for her as a mother does, when she, in her post surgical state had to care for me as I fell apart. I refuse to let this thing he did affect one of the most precious relationships I have.

couldn’t sleep. the pain was back with the same level of intensity as in the beginning. my body was shutting down again.  I sat crying in the living room before the sun rose, and she joined me crying herself at her own anxiety from being sucked into a situation that is not hers.

we will tread slowly, keep our communication open, and acknowledge what is now a transition for mother and daughter.

the ripples of destruction continue….

0600 hrs – day 23.

the storm

so what’s next?

I don’t even know what day it is, let alone what’s next, or what I want to do.

I am beyond devastated, I go in and out of disbelief and the normal things like eating are of no interest.

It’s Christmas. I have no desire to even acknowledge one of my favorite holidays. Will this be ruined forever too?

My anxiety is back – the pains in my chest are real and literally feel like my heart is broken inside my chest.

I’m thankful to have this time off work – but what a waste, I could be doing so much more!

I think the layers of what was set at my feet 3 weeks ago is making this so difficult to process. it wasn’t just cheating, there are multiple things that just slammed into my soul from no where. gut punched. breath taken away. and the reaction of anger still hasn’t really come – just shock, numbness and sadness. and it’s the worst when it’s quiet. it’s like the sadness is on volume 100 and i can’t turn it down or off.

time is the only thing I can hold on to. that time will ease some of this. i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand what and why we are here. the story seems to change just a little bit each time and i’m too tired to keep it straight.

time and space. i think thats all i want for a while.

ho hum.

n

she said, saw and ate

she said she loved him and meant it. she had never loved anyone as deeply or as eternally as him. with every fiber of her being – she loved.

she saw his complexities and loved him regardless. built homes so that he would know love, feel love and have a sense of home.

she ate her pride, and held herself as she was washed in the shame of his selfish act. the shame of his dishonesty, and her not being honest with herself. his unfaithfulness and disloyalty, her allowing him to steal her joy tiny piece, by tiny piece with his words.

———–

they started their journey 10 years ago. got in a car that she thought would serve them for a lifetime. they kept their car clean with independent interests and passions they both shared. they fueled their car with trips to foreign lands and new experiences. they were free to follow their hearts, and they stayed in their car out of want and not need. they even had a wild idea to repaint their car and give it an entirely new way to live, but what they neglected was maintenance. tires got low, oil needed changing, brakes squeaked until they no longer worked. maintenance may have saved their car, or prolonged the inevitable- it’s impossible to know now. their car has been totaled. it feels beyond repair, and now there is a new car.

———–

  • she tries to make order in chaos
  • she is a peacemaker
  • she is a nurturer
  • she puts others first
  • she is drawn to the complex
  • she is not a fixer, but a comforter
  • she is wise, smart and sometimes feels beautiful
  • she doesn’t listen close enough to her own heart
  • she takes time to consider everything, every angle, every outcome
  • when she really connects it’s deeply, and she doesn’t connect to many
  • she protects herself, and for the right one leaves herself wide open
  • she holds things in so tightly that her body physically reacts to wake her up

she is awake, alive, and in pain, no – agony. she feels, therefore she knows she is still here.

she is strong. she is searching for her self, for her knowing. she cuts her fingers to the bone while holding the shattered pieces of her heart in place, praying for it to heal.

she sees him now, more clearly than ever. his golden veil is lifting, and his true self is coming into view. she hears others describe him as if they are speaking directly to her in crowded restaurants. he’s most likely been here, this clear for her to see the whole time, but she was either blinded, or he was hiding in his own shadow afraid of seeing himself, or both.

a love this strong is hard to turn off, even when you try with all your might. this love wishes him well on his journey, and hopes he gets what he needs – without her.

it is 3:20 AM. this was my day 10.

learner

on almost every elementary report card i got marked as “talks too much with neighbors”, or however they worded it. i don’t think i was actually chatty. i think from an early part of life, i was seeking information. okay, maybe i was a little chatty – but i’ve always been a discoverer.

curiosity is a trait i respect, embody and look for in people i hire. staying curious might seem like a drain or waste of time to some, but i view it as a way to continue growing, continue improving, and to improve and innovate the spaces around you – whether that be personal or business.

being on the farm has offered numerous opportunities to learn, and i am exercising my curiosity muscle daily. from learning more about bees and how & where to keep them, to learning about how wind, and how water effects our soil, to learning about placement of future fruit trees and creating our own ecosystem of sustainability through planting and raising our animals.

by early next year, i will have a design certification in Permaculture, by Spring we will start our first 2 beehives (off-site because bees and cut flowers as a business don’t go together – who knew!), and our first round of flowers will be on their way in a new low tunnel that’s going up in the next couple of months.

I really like this quote by Peruvian photographer Mario Testino:

My favourite words are possibilities, opportunities and curiosity. I think if you are curious, you create opportunities, and then if you open the doors, you create possibilities.

there is still a lot to learn about living on and with the land, and I’m eager to continue on this journey. and i should also say that learning comes with its share of mistakes – sometimes expensive. we try to avoid those, but without trying there is no learning.

stay curious my friends…

xo

n

fear, love, and trust

I was talking to my favorite daughter this evening about life things, and she mentioned something about trusting herself. I immediately had a very clear vision of why we are here (like here, on earth, living this life, right now). if we learn how to act from a place of love, trust ourselves first, and acknowledge our fears we will have a chance of living the most fulfilled lives. it hit me hard, like a rock that woke me from a hazy slumber. have you ever had one of those spilt moments of clarity?

i believe we get one chance at this life. one time to experience everything it has to offer us. one end to end opportunity to learn from challenges, to grow from mistakes, and to help others from a place of authentic sincerity.

in order to have those learning moments and deep experiences that impact us forever we have to trust. trust ourselves. trust that our bodies will carry us through impossible circumstances, trust that our mind is strong and our intuition is guiding us. trust that moving through something that feels scary is the right thing even though we don’t know what is waiting for us on the other side. trust and faith can be synonymous. if you truly trust in something you also have faith that you will be supported and taken care of.

my “mini-me 2.0” and I talked about love and how everything we encounter in this life was created in love and meant to experience through love. we are so caught up in self, in creating and accumulating material wealth, and in trying to be better than, that we loose sight that the basis for all things is love. that we are connected to each other and every living thing at a cellular level. like trust, love of self (as we are, not as we wish we were) is foundational to our happiness and to our ability to love others unconditionally. and that’s NOT easy! but I really think that the more your try, the more you receive – so it’s not really a “master this experience before you reap the benefits”, it’s a work towards it and you’d be surprised at how much love you receive.

fear… is the third leg of my enlightenment stool. this one is playing out very loudly right now at work for me. the unknown, a period of change, and a potential lack of control throw people into weird behaviors that are based in fear. it’s kind of crazy how much time is spent analyzing and trying to explain human behaviors when most of them can be boiled down to fear. and I think where there is fear, there is a lack of trust. and when there is a lack of trust there is a lack of love.

so is it as easy as “love” more — maybe, but for sure it all starts with self. the results are always more satisfying when you’ve done the hard work yourself – so stay aware of when you feel off balance and really try to hone in on why – is it fear, love or trust??

xo

nat