he was that guy, the one who I loved so much. the one who said he wanted to grow old with me. the one who I felt myself with, who comforted me, and supported me when I needed it. he pushed me to take risks, and pulled me out into the world.

he is the one who connected us to people, it was his nature to be social and to know everyone in a bar by the time we were leaving. I could relax and allow him to be himself which took the pressure of small talk off of me.

we lived at the base of a mountain range, in the center of a city at the end of a historic cable car run, on acres of peaceful pasture land with grazing animals. he is the one I travelled the world with, he was the one, I thought.

I thought I was who he wanted. I thought I was what he wanted. I thought, because it was what he said. He also frequently said — people have the right to change their minds, I just didn’t think I’d be included in the category of “things” he would change his mind about.

he is the guy that over night decided that non-monogomy was what he wanted. he no longer wanted me. he no longer wanted the farm that hundreds of thousands of dollars were invested in for our retirement phase of life. he no longer wanted anything we were building together. he no longer wanted me.

it hurts like hell, but it is also freeing.

now I am the girl who gets to decide what she wants. how she wants it. where she wants to be in the world, and how she wants to live.

I dont forgive him, not yet. I do forgive myself for any feeling of blame. this was not my fault. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am generous, kind, graceful and full of love. I am healing. I am getting stronger, day by day and seeing this for the gift that it is.

he was the guy that crossed my path, spent some time, saw and did some amazing things with me,  but he is no longer anything to me. he is just a guy.

day 53