grief is a process. there are stages, and I know we are all familiar with them.  accountability doesn’t really show up in the grief searches I’ve done, but I feel like it’s real.

I was 100% a part of the failed relationship as 1 of 2 people. Therefore I have some accountability in it’s death. The way things ended would have never been the way I would have chosen to handle things – I’m sure there were things I did or didn’t do that contributed to our car crashing and blowing up.  Earlier I mentioned maintenance – I didn’t ask for, didn’t recognize, and didn’t think we were so far off that we needed it.  But loving to grow things I know that nothing lives without care and attention – and I can only speak for myself when I say there was obviously not enough of either.  I can hold myself accountable for my part in that.

The other piece of this that I’ve spent some days really thinking about is why I was here in the first place.  What was it that kept me here, even when I wasn’t feeling fully seen, heard, respected, supported or satisfied.  I’ve been able to come to the conclusion that there were/are holes in me that he filled. Holes that kept me from coming into the relationship in the beginning as a whole person able to offer myself completely.  Holes that he naturally filled, and made me feel whole with him.

I have work to do. Childhood holes to fill for myself, so that I don’t find myself dependent on another in this same way.

I am accountable for my part, but I will never forget this anguish. More importantly, I am accountable to myself, and will do the work necessary to fill my own holes, give myself my own level of care and attention, and find a way to become whole for no one else but myself.

it’s a process…..

day 28

day 25.

trying to turn this pain into something of value. trying to establish a new normal.

I am making lemonade out of lemons (and listening to a lot of Beyonce).

I am certain that this healing process will continue for some time, but while in the midst of it I’ve been inspired to help others going through similar experiences.

The Infidelity Project was launched to build community around the survivors of adultery. Anonymous sharing online or by mail (to a private P.O. Box) allows us to process the wave of emotions that come with this life transition together.

follow our progress. share it with friends, family, strangers – help me grow this community. it is for anyone and everyone who has ever loved.

http://www.btrayed.com

happiest of new years to us all…..

n

she’s here. my mini-me. for a few days of love before the new year. she is my everything – always has been, but as we drove home from the airport – my stomach began to turn on itself, and the pain of the first week of ‘knowing’ flooded back in.

noooooo. this is not what I expected. how can it be that my own daughter is now a trigger for the pain of this situation. I was with her when this happened.  Focused, and caring for her as a mother does, when she, in her post surgical state had to care for me as I fell apart. I refuse to let this thing he did affect one of the most precious relationships I have.

couldn’t sleep. the pain was back with the same level of intensity as in the beginning. my body was shutting down again.  I sat crying in the living room before the sun rose, and she joined me crying herself at her own anxiety from being sucked into a situation that is not hers.

we will tread slowly, keep our communication open, and acknowledge what is now a transition for mother and daughter.

the ripples of destruction continue….

0600 hrs – day 23.

so what’s next?

I don’t even know what day it is, let alone what’s next, or what I want to do.

I am beyond devastated, I go in and out of disbelief and the normal things like eating are of no interest.

It’s Christmas. I have no desire to even acknowledge one of my favorite holidays. Will this be ruined forever too?

My anxiety is back – the pains in my chest are real and literally feel like my heart is broken inside my chest.

I’m thankful to have this time off work – but what a waste, I could be doing so much more!

I think the layers of what was set at my feet 3 weeks ago is making this so difficult to process. it wasn’t just cheating, there are multiple things that just slammed into my soul from no where. gut punched. breath taken away. and the reaction of anger still hasn’t really come – just shock, numbness and sadness. and it’s the worst when it’s quiet. it’s like the sadness is on volume 100 and i can’t turn it down or off.

time is the only thing I can hold on to. that time will ease some of this. i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand what and why we are here. the story seems to change just a little bit each time and i’m too tired to keep it straight.

time and space. i think thats all i want for a while.

ho hum.

n

she said she loved him and meant it. she had never loved anyone as deeply or as eternally as him. with every fiber of her being – she loved.

she saw his complexities and loved him regardless. built homes so that he would know love, feel love and have a sense of home.

she ate her pride, and held herself as she was washed in the shame of his selfish act. the shame of his dishonesty, and her not being honest with herself. his unfaithfulness and disloyalty, her allowing him to steal her joy tiny piece, by tiny piece with his words.

———–

they started their journey 10 years ago. got in a car that she thought would serve them for a lifetime. they kept their car clean with independent interests and passions they both shared. they fueled their car with trips to foreign lands and new experiences. they were free to follow their hearts, and they stayed in their car out of want and not need. they even had a wild idea to repaint their car and give it an entirely new way to live, but what they neglected was maintenance. tires got low, oil needed changing, brakes squeaked until they no longer worked. maintenance may have saved their car, or prolonged the inevitable- it’s impossible to know now. their car has been totaled. it feels beyond repair, and now there is a new car.

———–

• she tries to make order in chaos

• she is a peacemaker

• she is a nurturer

• she puts others first

• she is drawn to the complex

• she is not a fixer, but a comforter

• she is wise, smart and sometimes feels beautiful
• she doesn’t listen close enough to her own heart

• she takes time to consider everything, every angle, every outcome

• when she really connects it’s deeply, and she doesn’t connect to many

• she protects herself, and for the right one leaves herself wide open

• she holds things in so tightly that her body physically reacts to wake her up

she is awake, alive, and in pain, no – agony. she feels, therefore she knows she is still here.

she is strong. she is searching for her self, for her knowing. she cuts her fingers to the bone while holding the shattered pieces of her heart in place, praying for it to heal.

she sees him now, more clearly than ever. his golden veil is lifting, and his true self is coming into view. she hears others describe him as if they are speaking directly to her in crowded restaurants. he’s most likely been here, this clear for her to see the whole time, but she was either blinded, or he was hiding in his own shadow afraid of seeing himself, or both.

a love this strong is hard to turn off, even when you try with all your might. this love wishes him well on his journey, and hopes he gets what he needs – without her.

it is 3:20 AM. this was my day 10.