he was that guy, the one who I loved so much. the one who said he wanted to grow old with me. the one who I felt myself with, who comforted me, and supported me when I needed it. he pushed me to take risks, and pulled me out into the world.

he is the one who connected us to people, it was his nature to be social and to know everyone in a bar by the time we were leaving. I could relax and allow him to be himself which took the pressure of small talk off of me.

we lived at the base of a mountain range, in the center of a city at the end of a historic cable car run, on acres of peaceful pasture land with grazing animals. he is the one I travelled the world with, he was the one, I thought.

I thought I was who he wanted. I thought I was what he wanted. I thought, because it was what he said. He also frequently said — people have the right to change their minds, I just didn’t think I’d be included in the category of “things” he would change his mind about.

he is the guy that over night decided that non-monogomy was what he wanted. he no longer wanted me. he no longer wanted the farm that hundreds of thousands of dollars were invested in for our retirement phase of life. he no longer wanted anything we were building together. he no longer wanted me.

it hurts like hell, but it is also freeing.

now I am the girl who gets to decide what she wants. how she wants it. where she wants to be in the world, and how she wants to live.

I dont forgive him, not yet. I do forgive myself for any feeling of blame. this was not my fault. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am generous, kind, graceful and full of love. I am healing. I am getting stronger, day by day and seeing this for the gift that it is.

he was the guy that crossed my path, spent some time, saw and did some amazing things with me,  but he is no longer anything to me. he is just a guy.

day 53

 

just as i start to feel a tiny bit of strength returning, something from deep in the darkness grabs an ankle and pulls me under. my chest is tight, i can’t think, the waves of anger are back just as strong as they were in the beginning.

i didn’t sign up for this. for the rug to be pulled out from under me with no warning. there was no fighting or not getting along. no months of anger or resentment. nothing that said “he’s about to cheat on you and leave you overwhelmed with responsibility”.

chickens donkeys dogs a horse, 10 acres and a mortgage. a farm that we were building that we signed up to do together. why now do i have to give up these things because of his selfish choice?

self doubt comes in and says – “can you do this? can you hold it all together, or are you going to fail? are you really strong enough or should you just give up.”

none of this is fair, and my dad said to me repeatedly growing up that life isn’t fair – but I believe that if i work hard, treat people with respect and come from a place of love things should be fair, people should be honest. people shouldn’t lie to you for 10 years and make every memory of your life with them a question. was he really happy on that vacation or was that fake, did he really like hanging out with me or was that just convenient? did he even love me?? was i a fool all along? what is love, will i be able to recognize it – i don’t know if i trust myself.

my hope is that in 45 more days the pain won’t be as intense, the waves will start slowing and my doubt will have decreased.

when i try to think of the worst thing one human can do to another – betrayal in any form makes the top of my list. I really don’t think there is anything more damaging to someone’s past, present and future. and the damage feels permanent. i will be forever changed because of this.

day 46.

day 40.

while i feel (for this moment only) like i am able to stand, talk to strangers without spilling my story (it was bad), and think about ME – I am sure that this repair phase will last for some time and as my therapist said “be full of smaller traumas”.

I am hopeful. I am letting go. I am forgiving myself for feeling any kind of blame. I have not made it as far as forgiving him. it’s on my list but pretty far down there.

I am also free. I am feeling the power of freedom stronger and stronger each day. free from worrying about his feelings, his needs, his complexities. I tried with everything I have within me to give him all of me. I am free of that too.

there will be no momentary dopamine hits of excitement for me – there will be true, fully realized happiness, truth of who I am and how I operate in the world, acknowledgment of my cracks, faults, insecurities, and so much work to see them and heal them. I will be happier than i’ve been in a while, more honest, more engaged and for sure more full of love for myself and some future right person.

the repair phase is hard, but empowering and invigorating. it will come with losses, and gains, but it’s mine to design exactly how I want.

love to me!!

“writing while sitting in the biggest japanese stone soaking tub ever & L O V I N G it!”

– n

and it begins…

health insurance (he’s on mine)

car insurance (he’s on mine)

mortgage (mine)

estate planning: wills/dnr/beneficiaries (change, change, change)

bank accounts (ugh)

credit cards (thank goodness there was only one to cancel him from)

I’m sure there is more. The twining of 2 lives over 10 years will take time to untangle but these are the things that come to mind immediately. Help me, my brain is cloudy – what am I missing???

day 30.