repair mode

day 40.

while i feel (for this moment only) like i am able to stand, talk to strangers without spilling my story (it was bad), and think about ME – I am sure that this repair phase will last for some time and as my therapist said “be full of smaller traumas”.

I am hopeful. I am letting go. I am forgiving myself for feeling any kind of blame. I have not made it as far as forgiving him. it’s on my list but pretty far down there.

I am also free. I am feeling the power of freedom stronger and stronger each day. free from worrying about his feelings, his needs, his complexities. I tried with everything I have within me to give him all of me. I am free of that too.

there will be no momentary dopamine hits of excitement for me – there will be true, fully realized happiness, truth of who I am and how I operate in the world, acknowledgment of my cracks, faults, insecurities, and so much work to see them and heal them. I will be happier than i’ve been in a while, more honest, more engaged and for sure more full of love for myself and some future right person.

the repair phase is hard, but empowering and invigorating. it will come with losses, and gains, but it’s mine to design exactly how I want.

love to me!!

“writing while sitting in the biggest japanese stone soaking tub ever & L O V I N G it!”

– n