doubt

just as i start to feel a tiny bit of strength returning, something from deep in the darkness grabs an ankle and pulls me under. my chest is tight, i can’t think, the waves of anger are back just as strong as they were in the beginning.

i didn’t sign up for this. for the rug to be pulled out from under me with no warning. there was no fighting or not getting along. no months of anger or resentment. nothing that said “he’s about to cheat on you and leave you overwhelmed with responsibility”.

chickens donkeys dogs a horse, 10 acres and a mortgage. a farm that we were building that we signed up to do together. why now do i have to give up these things because of his selfish choice?

self doubt comes in and says – “can you do this? can you hold it all together, or are you going to fail? are you really strong enough or should you just give up.”

none of this is fair, and my dad said to me repeatedly growing up that life isn’t fair – but I believe that if i work hard, treat people with respect and come from a place of love things should fair, people should be honest. people shouldn’t lie to you for 10 years and make every memory of your life with them a question. was he really happy on that vacation or was that fake, did he really like hanging out with me or was that just convenient? did he even love me?? was i a fool all along? what is love, will i be able to recognize it – i don’t know if i trust myself.

my hope is that in 45 more days the pain won’t be as intense, the waves will start slowing and my doubt will have decreased.

when i try to think of the worst thing one human can do to another – betrayal in any form makes the top of my list. I really don’t think there is anything more damaging to someone’s past, present and future. and the damage feels permanent. i will be forever changed because of this.

day 46.