Month: February 2019
sixty seven days
looking back over the last sixty seven days, my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual states have all had their own earthquakes going on. i know looking back at this in one year, three years, or five to ten years, 67 days is going to feel like a drop in the bucket for the journey i am on, but in n. fashion, i thought i’d record where i am anyway.
i’d say i’m doing ok. ok is better than poorly, but not as good as great. i think it sums up sixty seven days nicely. my ok days are sprinkled with good ones, and a few bad ones, but for the most part i am finding my balance and feeling less and less wobbly.
emotionally – over the last 67 days emotions have been the lowest of my life. the pendulum swings were wild in the early days. there were times i felt like i was watching myself from outside myself, acting and saying things out of sheer fear, and i wanted to snatch me up and say “girl, get it together, we don’t bargain!” but now i think that it was just part of the process. the swings in the same 3 minutes from i love you to i hate you, or hug me and don’t come near me were alarming. it’s a crazy place to be. crazy as in c r a z y. i’m feeling calmer now, still scared of a lot of things, still really angry, but a tiny bit more settled. remaking parts of the house to remove any trace or memory of him has helped a lot.
physically – i’ve lost 20 pounds. people want to congratulate this, but it feels gross. this is no way to lose weight. and having people notice is a reminder of the trauma i’ve been through – and people do notice. i am not very interested in food, but when i do eat it’s vegetarian and sometimes vegan. every once in a while i’ll have some seafood, but having a kitchen with no meat is amazing!! i feel more focused, a lot lighter (not just from the weight loss), and happy that my change in diet is having a positive impact on the world. [important side-note: watch Cowspiracy on Netflix — it’s 👀 opening!]
mentally – my mind feels like it doesn’t rest. there are so many things to think about. to figure out. to undo, redo, plan for. and then there is the financial impact of all of this. that keeps me from sleeping, throws me into panic, and sometimes paralyzes me. it’s overwhelming the amount of “things” i’ve been left to be responsible for on my own. if this experience doesn’t make me officially a “boss b”, then i don’t know what will. establishing boundaries has been helpful for me mentally, and getting the opportunity to enforce them feels good. i am feeling all the feels mentally as well. i’ve been told that i’m a doer – that doing is the easy part in all of this, but taking time to stop and feel the feelings is actually more important than the doing. so i am being more mindful of that. writing helps. i consider this space my “private” writing, and i’ve started publicly writing on medium.com under the handle ‘theinfidelityproject’. that’s been good for getting out the more sensitive stuff.
spiritually is where i feel the strongest. it’s where i feel the most validated. all of my little reactions or weird feelings about things over the last 10 years have been confirmed as being real. because of that i’ve been shifted into a place of truth. walking through the world not holding back my truth. not sucking it in, and not speaking up. i was raised in a home with a lot of loud voices which made me quiet mine, and avoid saying what i wanted or needed. that no longer serves me in this life. it sucks that it’s taken this long, but i’m grateful for now being able to show up in every situation and say what i need to say when i need to say it – in the moment. i also can clearly see that where i am in my spiritual self awareness, and where he is, are on opposite ends of the spectrum. i feel so free. free to grow, to really find and act on my purpose, and explore the world in a way that makes sense to me. to commemorate that i got a tattoo! LIBRE, it is french for free/freedom.
God is making a way for me in so many ways and i am grateful and thankful every time a perfect situation lands in my path. state your intention, don’t overthink it, and let it go…. things come to you when you do this.
i’ve been mindful of staying in service to others through this as well. i am exercising. i’m pursuing the things that bring me joy, spending time with family and friends – please come for a visit if you’re in the area! it’s harder for me to leave right now for personal travel (animals, finances), but i am always up for overnight guests. i’m finding my happy – slowly. it doesn’t mean i don’t miss what was, i have moments where i do. it’s going to take a while, a long while i think to work the last 10 years out of the fibers that make me me. not all of it, but the deep emotional parts have to go.
i’m picking up my shattered pieces and slowly and carefully putting them back together. selectively putting back only the pieces i want, and creating space for new pieces to form in a stronger way.
sixty seven days – i’m still alive.
(btrayed.com has had over 45k impressions, over 545 visits and a solid 28 submissions. i wasn’t sure i’d even get one, so this too makes me happy. i’ve provided a space for people to share and release their sadness, pain, anger through writing.)
xo. n ❤️