day 100. I’ve never felt lower. lower than when this was all revealed to me. lower than the fights days afterwards when i was just numb and in disbelief. reality has set in. peoples comments and true feeling about the man i spent 10 years of my life loving are all coming at me. i need boundaries. people need to practice empathy. your opinions of him are also your opinions of me and that sucks.

the support i do have is amazing but asking me to tell you what i need is like asking a drowning person if there is anything you can get for them. i don’t know what i need. i am so overwhelmed with decisions to make, coordinated plans to put together, and just getting out of bed some days is beyond a struggle. i just want to sleep. i want to sleep for a year, and wake up to have all of this not been real or have it taken care of. fast forward me to the part where i feel whole and happy and loved by someone who deserves all that i am. right now i don’t feel any of those things, while i imagine he is out in the world having fun, living life to its fullest, not in the least concerned with what he’s left behind, or how i am coping and struggling through each day. karma is a bitch.

if i’ve learned anything – when the people you love or care about are in the midst of a traumatic event, don’t ask what you can do, show up and just start doing, or give suggestions of things you have time and ability to take care of for them. i will try to remember that.

they say i am grieving. that these ripples of feeling great and being back in the valley of deep sadness are a part of the process. i’ve never lost a close family member or friend, so i’ve never experienced this. how long does it last, how many ripples/waves of up and down should i expect? i’m exhausted.

my kids and sister have been amazing – each supporting me in the way that they can. family is family. i am so grateful to have family at this time. the fruit has also been extremely understanding and supportive. thank god for good human beings.

i have never been this overwhelmed or felt this level of pain. my thoughts just spin around and around, morning, noon and night with the why did this happen, how am i going to get through this, what is he doing, i didn’t deserve this, what should i do next, and on and on and on… some days i think i am completely losing myself and being consumed by this sadness. but most days i’m able to push it back just enough to get through the things i need to get through while hiding tears in between meetings and conversations.

the downshift is terrible. i just want off of this rollercoaster. please.

-n